The Death of My Dad

Girls,

I’m dealing with an unspeakable tragedy, right now.  It is a hurt that is so real and so sad….and one that we must all go through.

My Dad died.

I just needed to type that. I haven’t said it, can’t talk about it….won’t cry about it. I don’t know why….guess because I’m trying to be strong and put up a good front.

I’m just tired of being strong.  My heart hurts. My Dad, my living hero, the man who I looked up to and cherished, is no longer here and it hurts like hell.  I want to scream, shout, and break stuff….because I’m angry.  I feel like I’ve closed myself off, and I’m trying put the hurt somewhere so that I don’t have to acknowledge it…but it is catching me.  Guess that’s why I’m here on a workday at 5:30 a.m. typing.

I know why I’m angry.  I know why I am pushing the grief off.  The is this unshakeable feeling that I can’t escape….that maybe I could have done something to help.  I know I’m pushing it off because of frustration.  I know I’m pushing it off because if I act like it, him being gone isn’t much different than him being at work.  I’m avoiding because I can…

and I’m avoiding because I can’t stand the thought of him being gone.

I think you always remember the good times, but right now I’m not even acknowledging  them.

I think I’m angry because he didn’t take care of himself.  I wanted him to be here to see us live and do so much because when we were in his presence, I think he was truly happy.  I wanted him to be happy and I felt like the last few years of his life weren’t.

I’m mad because he could have seen so much more.  I know that 66 sounds old to y’all, but it isn’t that old.  I also know that people die every day and it is part of life.  I just felt like he made a choice to let it happen, sooner.

I’m angry because, as you have heard me say or will hear me say….God’s will be done.  I’m not questioning, I’m not second guessing….I guess I just didn’t want his will to be done in this life’s moment….because I feel that we are in such a great moment.

I think I’m angry because yesterday marked the 2nd week since I found out his death and I still can’t muster the strength to tell you he has passed away.

I’m mad because my Dad is gone and I just don’t think it was the right damn time.

I’m just running from everything….and I am getting tired of it….